Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
