I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
