1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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