I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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