yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
