Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I wish I could teleport
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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