she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
