just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
