My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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