First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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