I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
