I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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