So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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