There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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