P.S. I can't hear my feet
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
