I'm gonna have a badass scar
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
