It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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