it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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