Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
