We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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