Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Randomize
