I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
