Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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