half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
