So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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