We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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