i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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