I just made out with a guy for $7.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
