i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
