so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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