I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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