She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
