found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
