I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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