Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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