this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We left the knife in your bed.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
