omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
