Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
