I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
