I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I stole a fireplace last night.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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