This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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