every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
