hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
