she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
