Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
