i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
