you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So vagazzling was a success
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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