Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
