last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
