Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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