the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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