Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
