If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
